It was quiet when I walked in. I didn’t think anyone was home so I laid down on the couch and eventually fell asleep. I woke up to someone in the kitchen.
I stretched and was about to get up when the conversation started.
“I don’t know, she’s just annoying. Ya know?”
“…”
“No, she’s nice, but annoying. Like a little sister that won’t leave you and your friends alone.”
“…”
“No, it’s not like that. I’m just done with being nice to her when I don’t think I actually like her. I kinda wanna see how mean I can be to her before she says something. She’s kind of a pushover”
“…”
*chuckles* “ yeah, she does have some great tits…”
He leaves and goes to his room.
I would say that this was a great pain to me but it wasn’t. As a black woman living in this world, I’ve had to taper my expectations of people and also learn to let them go fast. I can process the pain of a breakup in record time. It should be studied.
I don’t know how long I laid on the sofa but it was dark when I got up. I slowly walked to my side of the house and started cleaning up. I started removing the little pieces that I’ve put around. I wasn’t planning on moving out or anything. There was 6 months left on the lease and I wasn’t paying a penalty to break it. I wanted to be ready just in case though. Stay ready so you don’t have to get ready.
I made it to my room and looked around. I was so proud of my space. I’d curated a comfy, cozy environment for myself and it always lifted my spirits. This time though, I started looking for things to get rid of. Pictures, trinkets, anything that reminded me of my roommate. I didn’t want to make a scene or anything but I knew that I needed to cleanse everything that reminded me of him. It was a part of the healing/ letting go process.
You don’t always realize how much someone is apart of your life until you start removing them from it. Especially a friend. I needed to change my gym schedule, find a new hangout spot and remove myself from his friend group. I also just needed to reduce the amount of time I spent around him. I don’t believe in giving people access to me who don’t cherish me. Not in an obsessive way or anything but honestly, if you think I’m annoying, why hang around me?
*the next day*
I usually go to the gym with him in the morning. I get up at 6, do my morning routine and then head into the kitchen for a pre workout snack. We’d then head out together at about 7:30 to head to the gym. We’d started doing this a couple months into living with each other and it had become somewhat of a routine. Today that changed though.
*knock knock*
“Hey, are you going to the gym today? Don’t you start a new workout program?”
I did but I wasn’t going to talk about it with him anymore.
“Yeah, I’m gonna go in a little later. I need to change my gym schedule anyway”
“Oh! Do you want me to wait for you? I don’t have anything to do…”
“No, it’s fine. I’m not sure what time I’m gonna head out and I don’t wanna hold you up”
*silence*
“….ok….. I’ll see you later then”
“Yeah, see you”
That’s pretty much how our interactions went for the rest of the day/ week. If there was something that we normally did together, I’d make an excuse as to why I couldn’t go and move on. I wasn’t interested in making a big thing about it, I was more than happy to just finish out this lease and move on with my life.
THE CONFRONTATION
After about 2 weeks of my avoidant behavior, he invited me to dinner. Now, this wasn’t strange. We’d been to dinner plenty of times but this time, he brought flowers and asked if he could have some of my time. He said he planned an evening for us to hangout because he missed me and hoped I could make it. I figured this would be the best time to get everything out there and be done with it.
He offered to drive us to the restaurant but I made an excuse and drove myself. I didn’t know if this would be awkward so I was being proactive.
Here’s how it went:
“Hey! You look great! Come sit down”
“Thanks, you look good too”
*we ordered drinks and appetizers*
“So…. What’s up? I miss you. I feel like we haven’t been hanging out as much”
“No, we haven’t been. I’ve just been busy with life stuff. How about you?”
“Life stuff? Like, what? Is work stressing you? Talk to me. We haven’t talked in a while”
“No work is fine, it’s just…. Life, ya know?”
He looks at me with searching eyes. Looking for a hint or something but before he could say anything, I just blurted it out.
“I heard you”
“You heard me?”
“Yes, in the kitchen, I heard you…”
“Ok…. What did I say?”
“You said I’m annoying and you don’t like me but I have great tits”
*silence*
“Yeah, that’s what happened so I don’t really see the point in continuing to be friends if you don’t even like me, right? I’m doing you a favor by removing myself from you life, right?”
“No! It’s not like that, it’s…”
“What is it then, did I misunderstand you? Saying ‘she’s annoying’ doesn’t mean that I am annoying?” Maybe I missed to context”
“No, it’s not that….”
“Then what is it?”
“… I…”
The waiter comes over with our drinks and appetizers and asks for our main dishes. At this point I don’t feel like eating and by the look on his face, he doesn’t either. I feel bad though, so I order something to go. We eat our starters in relative silence. I’m happy that I drove myself.
When the waiter brings out my to-go bag, I reach out to pay. He stops me.
“Please, let me pay. I invited you out”
I let him pay and we leave. While walking to the parking lot, he stops me.
“I’m sorry”
“It’s fine”
“No, it’s not. I fucked up and I’m really sorry”
“I’m telling you, it’s fine. What’s done is done. Let’s just be cordial with each other until the lease is up and we’ll both be out of each other’s hair.”
“That’s not what I want…”
“Well, that’s what you’re gonna get”
