The Court Of Curiosity

Well, not my biological dad. The man who (kinda) raised me died. He was my mom’s friend and I grew up around him. I don’t think I ever expressed that to him. I have a very strange relationship with death as a 36 year old, I imagine I didn’t really care about it when I was younger so maybe I thought I would figure out or that it would resolve itself.

I knew he was dying. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer a few years ago, I think. My mom knows. She always let me know what was going on but I never did anything about it. I would talk to him here and there if they were on the phone with each other but I kept my distance. No reason, I just always considered him to be my mom’s friend.

My sister texted me:

Call mommy.

Dexter died.

She’s freaking out.

Wait, I’ll add you to the call.

Wait, do you want to be on the call *(my self aware queen)*

When I was added to the call, I heard my mom freaking out. Like, she was really having a panic attack. What do I do when my mom freaks out? Nothing. I just listened. There wasn’t really much for me to say. All I could do is listen. She couldn’t catch her breath. My sister told her to sit down and try to relax.

What do I do when your mother is freaking out on the phone and is in another country while I am working and feel helpless? Nothing. I just listened. My mom eventually said that she was going to try to go to sleep. She always goes to sleep when life becomes overwhelming. She always said that “things will be better once you sleep.” Is that ok? Should she be trying to sleep after having such a strong reaction? Will she be safe? If she’s not, what can I do?

We said our I love You’s and goodbyes. I talked to my sister a bit but ultimately, I moved on. Back to work to take my mind off of it.

What should grief look like for me? Should I be more distraught? Should I stop? He has kids that will grieve but am I heartless? This man was around for some formative parts of my life. Shouldn’t I cry? Will the tears be delayed? Do I have the right?

I gotta go. I got a message on Teams.

Love you.